Waiting and wondering

When I first went to college, I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted to be kind and treat both the emotions and the body. The science classes, particularly chemistry, were really hard. I cried a lot and stayed up late many nights. I was a very committed student, but I didn’t understand it all. I started to wonder, should I stick with the grueling program so that I can reach the ideal job? Or should I take the stress as a sign that this wasn’t for me?

Then I chose to focus on psychology. I knew that I was definitely interested in counseling rather than research. I had a job working in a baby research lab. I had always been afraid of kids when I was little – I didn’t know what to do when they cried! This was different. They were so interesting and lovely to get to know. Senior year I got serious about going into social work, and even got recommendations from my professors. But I just wasn’t sure, so I didn’t apply.

After college I did temporary work and then worked at Michael’s. There were some sweet families that were regulars at the store. People started to see me as being kind and compassionate. They thought I was good with kids. I started to wonder if this was true.

I finally decided to end my job at Michael’s and work for the public schools. I was interviewed for an IA position. That was two years ago. I definitely made a lot of mistakes as an IA. I was not firm enough, and I started my relationships with my students as a peer more than an authority. But I really wanted to do a good job and improve. After the first year, I knew that I wanted to go to the next step and be a teacher. Teachers are so influential in people’s lives. I knew that working with kids was in the cards for me. I took a special education class at Portland State to decide about being a resource room teacher, and that solidified my decision. By then it was time to apply for graduate schools for the following year. At the time I wanted to get into any teacher program that would accept me and start teaching. I knew that Lewis and Clark had a good reputation, but I underestimated how helpful that could be. With every class and every reading it gets deeper and more amazing.

Now that I’m here I know that this is where I need to be. I still have a lot of fears and doubts. Maybe some of those fears can make me a better teacher. They can push me to always strive to be better.